Lessons Learned

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            Today is May 14th, what would have been Tyler’s 18th birthday. For those of you who may not know, my 17-year-old brother-in-law Tyler passed away from cancer two months ago. Although I am not usually one to share personal things, you never know what may help someone, so I wanted to share what I have learned from Tyler.

           

Trusting in the Lord

Throughout Tyler’s illness, I learned how important it is to have a strong relationship with Heavenly Father, so that you can receive His direction and He can lead and comfort you in difficult situations. Tyler’s parents Shannon and Brent had the spiritual strength to listen to the Spirit, and trust in the answers they received, even when the prognosis was grim. 

In 2007, Tyler had a life-threatening staph infection and was in the ICU for over a month. Brent and Shannon were very worried, but at the same time they said that they had prayed about it and felt that he would be okay. Tyler eventually recovered fully, just as they were told he would.

            A year and a half ago, Tyler was diagnosed with rhabdomyosarcoma, or cancer of the muscles. A week later, we learned it was Alveolar, the most aggressive type, and that it had already progressed to stage four. Tyler was given a 20 percent chance of survival. Even though Brent and Shannon were devastated, they prayed and felt again that everything would be okay. I was almost worried that they were being too positive, but we all had to trust in Heavenly Father.

            Through the next several months of treatment, Tyler's doctors became more and more optimistic as Tyler responded very well to chemotherapy.  In the fall of 2012, Tyler was officially declared cancer-free. I can't describe how relieved we were and blessed we felt to have such a miracle happen. His doctor said that in ten years treating cancer patients, he had never seen anyone respond so well to treatment. My faith and testimony were strengthened, along with my ability to believe in miracles. I remember praying every night with Matt, thanking Heavenly Father for the miracle of Ty’s healing and praying that the cancer would not come back.

            On Saturday, March 2nd, Matt got a call that Tyler had experienced a seizure. Matt was shocked, because for the past six months, Tyler had been healthy. Tyler was rushed to hospital, and doctors found three tumors in his brain. They decided to operate the next morning, but the tumors could not be completely removed, and a few hours after the surgery, the doctors told us they did not think he would make it.

            I will never forget the pain and shock we felt in that moment and the sounds of sobbing that filled the room.  Shannon answered the doctors that she already knew that Tyler wouldn't make it. She said later that after he was unresponsive after the seizure, she just knew. I am astounded that at a moment like that Shannon could be so in tune with the Spirit to have that knowledge. And in a way, it was comforting to her and comforting to all of us. Instead of saying there must be something else that can be done, or thinking about getting a second opinion, or even trying to place blame on the doctors, we were all able to start the process of finding peace. 

            They say the veil is never thinner than when a baby is born and when someone passes away. As painful and sad as it was seeing heartbroken family and friends, there was a special feeling in Ty’s hospital room. That night we gathered for a family prayer and to give Ty a blessing.  We each went around and said what we loved about Ty, said goodbye and shared some of our favorite memories. Matt said a beautiful prayer and Brent gave Tyler a beautiful blessing. I remember them thanking Ty for his example and telling him they were proud of him.

            I had never had anyone close to me die and all the feelings I felt were so new to me. The pain and endless crying; my eyes were so bloodshot they would sting every time I would cry again, adding to the pain and grief I was already feeling. I had never felt pain like that. Even though we knew a year and a half ago when Ty was diagnosed that he could die, nothing can prepare you to lose someone. And to lose someone so young when we thought he had been miraculously cured was heart wrenching.

I learned a lot about the power of the Holy Ghost and how amazing it is to feel the peace and comfort of the spirit. When my friend’s baby was born stillborn, her Bishop told her to make sure to write down her impressions and comforting feelings from the Holy Ghost, because in these situations the Holy Ghost dwells with us, but soon leaves.  I have never felt the presence of the Holy Ghost as strongly as I did the week Tyler passed. Often throughout the week, I would just be driving and start crying and feel an overwhelming presence and comfort.  It might sound weird or cheesy, but it’s true what people say in those situations, that it feels almost like someone is hugging you. I am so grateful that I have been blessed with the Holy Ghost and I need to strive to feel the spirit more in my life.

A Mother’s Connection and Love

            I also saw firsthand the love and incredible bond between a mother and her child.  In Ty’s last few hours, even though he was in a coma, often when visitors would talk to him he would move a little, or squeeze their hands back. His reaction was always the strongest when Shannon would hold his hand or whisper in his ear. In his last hour, Tyler’s breathing and heartbeat would slow, then the siblings would nudge Shannon and Brent, who were dozing off, that it was time. Shannon would come over and whisper to Ty how much she loved him and that it was okay to go and his breathing and heartbeat would increase again.  This happened over and over.  It is a testament to me of the bond between mother and child and my divine nature and role as a mother. There is nothing that compares.

            As the night progressed, Shannon realized that for Ty to let go, she would have to stop coming over to him. Ty peacefully slipped away at about 3:30 in the morning.  That day was full of all different emotions for Shannon. She and Brent were beside themselves with sadness, but I think they also had some peace. At the moment that Ty died, Shannon said she just felt angry.

God Knows and Loves Us

As shocking as Ty’s passing was, we felt that it was the right time for Ty to go, and that the way it happened was an unexpected blessing. It testified to me that God knows and loves us and knows how to comfort and bless us. Shannon said she would have hated to tell Ty that the cancer had come back, and that it had come back in his brain, where it would be terminal. Maybe others would blame doctors for not scanning his head and missing tumors that had been growing for months, but it really was a blessing that Tyler could return to normal life and high school with the assurance that he was cancer-free.  He was able to live his last few months to the fullest and we are so grateful that he didn’t have to suffer.

Family

I really feel blessed to be part of the Robinson Family. Throughout everything, I never felt like an in-law or an outsider.  When I first came to the hospital Sunday morning after dropping off the boys, I came in and just hugged Matt, then Jesse came and hugged me and said they were watching me run in from the parking lot and they were so glad I was there. That meant so much to me.  I hugged Brent and he told me that he loved me, then Jocelyn came up and hugged me so tight, I just started crying. I feel so much more bonded to Matt’s family through this experience.  The sadness that we shared and the feelings we talked about through grieving really made me feel closer to them.  There is something about supporting each other in your darkest moments that bonds you together.

Eternal Perspective

It was really amazing to see Matt step up as an older sibling and be a rock for his family. He doesn’t like to speak in public, but he spoke at the funeral and said some really wonderful things.  He talked about how we shouted for joy when we were given the plan of salvation before we came to earth (Job 38).  Matt expressed how much Heavenly Father loves us and that even though we knew we would experience trials and would be tested, we choose to come, and rejoiced to be able to come to earth.  He also said he didn’t believe that Ty had lost his battle with cancer, because the real battle isn’t if we live or die; it's how we respond to it.  I think it’s important to remember that we won’t be tested beyond our ability and that every test and trial is for our benefit to shape us into more Christ-like people.

Deep Conversations

One of the regrets Matt and I talked about was that we didn’t have enough meaningful conversations with Ty.  I think often we ask people how they are doing and we give superficial answers or tell only the good things that are happening in our lives. I need to be better at digging deeper and really understanding what people are going through. I need to make time for those conversations that bring mutual love, connection, and understanding. It’s amazing how those conversations can help people know you are there for them and how much you love them. 

Forget Yourself and Go To Work

            Before Tyler’s passing, I was feeling really overwhelmed with the twins and feeling like every day was so monotonous.  I really was just getting through the days, but not having joy in them.  Slowly after Ty’s passing, I began to realize that I am being helped in so many ways. First, I just recognized my blessings. I am so grateful to be a mother and lucky to have the joy that the boys bring into my life. I am so grateful for a loving husband and my amazing family. I am so grateful for the gospel and the strength it is in my life and for the peace and understanding it gives me. I can’t imagine dealing with a loved one's death without the assurance that you will see them again.

The other thing that has helped is serving others. Helping with the funeral and everything that needed to be done, being strong for Matt and serving and helping him in the end helped me. It really is true that if you are feeling a little down, what will help the most is to forget about yourself, recognize your blessings and serve others.

I am usually hesitant to not drop by when someone is going through a trial; I’m always concerned I’ll make things worse by making them feel uncomfortable, or that I won’t know what to say. But in the days after Ty’s passing, the Robinson house had many visitors and it really helped Brent and Shannon; it wasn’t a hinderance, it wasn’t a burden: it was helpful. It almost meant more when it was someone who the family didn’t know very well. I think Shannon said one of the more moving things to her at the funeral was seeing Ty’s soccer coach from years ago in tears. I am going to make a better effort to stop by and help anyone who needs it, regardless of how well I know them.

Ty’s Influence and Attitude

            When Tyler was first diagnosed with cancer, his Bishop came to visit and told him that when people face trials, they either become bitter and angry or learn from them and become stronger.  Tyler said he decided that night to learn from it. “It seemed surreal at first, but I was okay with it,” Tyler later wrote. “Then I went to meet with the doctors and they told me what I was facing. I needed to have 20 rounds of chemotherapy and it would take a whole year. I would also need an operation and six weeks of radiation. I would miss my junior year at Brighton High and some of my senior year. I remember going home and feeling so mad and depressed. I told my Mom that I didn’t want to go through it – not a whole year of it.”

I remember Tyler being sick from the chemo and down physically, but I never saw him down on himself; I never heard him complain. If we were together as a family and he wanted to go lie down, he never even mentioned it to the family; he would just slip away quietly, not seeking attention or sympathy. He had such a positive attitude through the year of treatment. Tyler wrote: “This year I’ve learned to be patient and no matter how bad I felt, I pushed through the pain. I found that there is no use complaining or feeling sorry for myself – it doesn’t help anything. Always try to stay positive and have faith.”

            It was amazing to see all of Ty’s friends that came to the hospital and the overwhelming support of family and friends at the funeral. When the family would get together, Ty was usually pretty quiet. We would even joke how weird it was that Ty could escape from the dinner table without people noticing. I thought he was kind of a homebody, listening to music and playing video games, but it was incredible to hear what an influence he had on his friends.  Several people said how much he would hug them and that he made them feel like the most important person in the world.  Ty has made me want to strive to reach out to others more and make them feel important.

            One family friend who had lost her baby posted a note of gratitude on Facebook after Ty’s death. She said that six months before, she had heard Ty bear his testimony. He said that when he was diagnosed with cancer he decided not to be bitter and angry, but to learn from it and become stronger. “It was as I listened to him that I made up my mind that I was no longer going to let my son’s death make me bitter and I started finding ways to make myself stronger through my trials,” she wrote. “Thank you Tyler for sharing your amazing testimony.”

Tyler’s favorite band was Imagine Dragons and when they came to town during his treatments, Jesse arranged for the band to give a shout out to Tyler.  He was reluctant at first when they called his name, but soon was singing at the top of his lungs on his friend’s shoulders. This inspired the band to start a foundation in Tyler’s name. At the end of their most recent music video they show a clip from that night and announce the foundation. The video received this comment: “I want to thank Tyler and his family. He is my hero and savior. I'm 15 years old living with my uncle. I hardly ever get to see my Mom and my brother is the only other anchor in my life. I was pretty depressed for a while. Then when he joined the United States Marine Corps a few months ago, I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it. 2 days ago, I was seriously thinking of suicide. I was a big fan of Imagine Dragons, so I watched their Demons music video. I didn't expect to see something amazing at the end. It was Tyler singing along with Dan. They were singing my most favorite song of all time. It amazed me how Tyler was full of hope and never gave up. Now, I intend to live. I want to live. It's because of Tyler. Tyler, you saved my life. Thank you. Rest In Paradise.”

It is truly incredible the influence that Tyler had on others for good, and continues to have. It makes me realize that one person really can make a difference and I need to strive to be that person.

 

A Fullness of Joy

A few weeks before his death Tyler shared his favorite scripture with Shannon. D&C 101:36-38 “Wherefore fear not even unto death for in this world your joy is not full, but in me your joy is full. Therefore, care not for the body, neither the life of the body; but care for the soul, and for the life of the soul. And seek the face of the Lord always, that in patience ye may possess your souls and ye shall have eternal life.”